We Couldn't Come Up With A Numerical System That Wasn't Completely Useless

You might think that those pretty little numbers on your keyboard are part of your ancestry, whitey, but GUESS WHAT? They aren't. Not by a long shot.


Meet the Roman Numerals! Why make separate symbols for numbers when you can just reuse those pesky letters that are just hanging about, being lazy. Especially that X. All it ever does is connotate naughtiness, and even that requires three of them.

But do you see this asinine bullshit? This was the way we white people counted. For years (or at least for years when we COULD count... therefore minus that whole "Dark Ages" time period). It makes no fucking sense. I mean, there's a reason why no one ever knows what fucking number Super Bowl it is when you see all those X's and L's and fucking V's flash across the screen. It is stupid.


So what did we do? We went on a little jaunt called the Crusades and picked up a new numerical system that wasn't so ass-backwards stupid. Yes. That's right. Your precious little numbers are ARABIC and INDIAN and OH NO YOUR DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM IS LOOKING PRETTY DAMN ISLAMO-FACIST TO YOU NOW, ISN'T IT?


It's like all the 9's are suddenly wearing turbans and trying to get on a plane with you, right? ARE YOU AFRAID OF YOUR CALCULATOR YET?

So suck on that, white people. And don't try to go back to using the Roman numerals or else you're going to have to start referencing an abacus and no one wants to see that.

Sarah Palin Supporters

Let's all be honest with ourselves: only white people like Sarah Palin. Sure, you can find exceptions, but those exceptions are usually drowned out by the unrelenting sea of whiteness present at any function promoting, celebrating or exalting Sarah Palin. I mean, have you ever looked at pictures from those events?


It's like playing Where's Waldo only it's "Spot the Minority." Really, Google image search that shit. It'll entertain you for ten whole minutes before you get depressed and start drinking whiskey mixed with your own tears.


I don't think I need to explain why these people are terrible or why they make me want to spork both of my eyes out before ripping all my skin off in penitence for my whiteness, but here's a video clip to convey my point:



I'm not sure I can write any reaction to this video that's not in capslock or containing so much expletives that it lacks all coherency. But let me just say that I can't remember the actual contents of the video - it caused me such fury upon viewing it that I woke up 2 days later with dried blood in my tear ducts and the smell of citrus in the air. Yes... I had a rage seizure. That's how fucking fist-up-their-own-asses idiotic these fucktarded mouthbreathers are. I almost swallowed my own tongue.


So yeah, fuck you Sarah Palin supporters. Thanks for showing the world that American racism and idiocy are still alive and well.... and that the United States' public school system has failed so many of its citizens in a manner truly spectacular.

Thanksgiving

"I fucking hate this holiday."


Only white people would pretend that in a history full of exploitation, horror, and murder that something like Thanksgiving represents our relationship with American Indians.


Thanksgiving should really be called "HAPPY SMALLPOX BLANKETS DAY, NATIVE AMERICANS. HOPE YOU LIKE THE DESERT BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE WE'RE SENDING YOU. GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR FUTURE CASINOS."

Also, our romanticizing of the pilgrims is epically fucked. These people found England not conservative enough. England. The place that invented Colin Firth and all the other tight-lipped British types. The place that couldn't cry until Princess Di died. That's hundreds of years of repression. AND THE PILGRIMS THOUGHT IT WASN'T ENOUGH.


Anyway, white people need to stop pretending that Thanksgiving was a happy day and dressing our children up in epically fucked representations of American Indians. Let's all just eat until we puke and hang out with people we don't really like. That's what Thanksgiving is really about.

When We Try to Steal Jazz The Best We Can Come Up With Is Kenny G

Jazz is full of legends. Awesome, musically ingenious legends.


You know who is not one of them?

Kenny Fucking G.



Behold! The elusive Great White Douche.


Seriously, we take a music scene that's all about expression and awesome tunes and turn out Kenny G. What the fuck is wrong with us? He plays the fucking CALRINET for fuck's sake. THAT IS THE LARPER NERD OF INSTRUMENTS. THAT'S THE INSTRUMENT THAT ALL THE OTHER INSTRUMENTS PANTS ON A REGULAR BASIS. EVEN THE PICCOLO STUFFS THE CLARINET IN THEIR CLOSET AND PEES IN THEIR MOUNTAIN DEW.



I mean, check it out:

This video makes my eye twitch. It's like having Wonder bread blended into a paste and then poured into your ears as Paul McCartney is sodomized before you. All with plinky-plunky piano in the background.



So fuck you, Kenny G, and fuck us all, white people. And fuck you Ben Franklin, my mom's carpool friend, and dentists everywhere for providing this no-talent assclown with a regular listening audience.

We Ruin Christmas

While I'm not 100% sure whether or not this commercial was, in fact, the result of the demented fantasies of a Caucasian, I am 100% sure that this piece of shit a.) features a whole lot of whiteys, b.) was most likely developed solely by white people and c.) the Gap caters almost exclusively to the palest fucking crowd this side of Abercrombie.


So fuck you, Gap. Thanks for ruining Christmas, you cracker bastards.

Case In Point: Hitler

You know who was one white son of a bitch?


Hitler.



Check out that pale motherfucker. He's like if snow and paper decided to move to Germany and have a psycho-ass baby together.


Dammit, Hitler. You have made growing up white with German ancestry very difficult and conflicting. Plus there was that whole "ripping Europe apart and murdering millions of people" thing.


God. And all because you can't paint a fucking still life. How about you get a life, Hitler. Oh wait, you can't. Because you lit yourself on fire.


Asshole.

We Like To Pretend Jesus Was White

Your ignorance makes Jesus cry. Good job, whitey.


The only time Jesus should ever be white is when he's made of marble. Or white chocolate. Delicious white chocolate.*




*Note: the author does not endorse eating Jesus