We Couldn't Come Up With A Numerical System That Wasn't Completely Useless

You might think that those pretty little numbers on your keyboard are part of your ancestry, whitey, but GUESS WHAT? They aren't. Not by a long shot.


Meet the Roman Numerals! Why make separate symbols for numbers when you can just reuse those pesky letters that are just hanging about, being lazy. Especially that X. All it ever does is connotate naughtiness, and even that requires three of them.

But do you see this asinine bullshit? This was the way we white people counted. For years (or at least for years when we COULD count... therefore minus that whole "Dark Ages" time period). It makes no fucking sense. I mean, there's a reason why no one ever knows what fucking number Super Bowl it is when you see all those X's and L's and fucking V's flash across the screen. It is stupid.


So what did we do? We went on a little jaunt called the Crusades and picked up a new numerical system that wasn't so ass-backwards stupid. Yes. That's right. Your precious little numbers are ARABIC and INDIAN and OH NO YOUR DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM IS LOOKING PRETTY DAMN ISLAMO-FACIST TO YOU NOW, ISN'T IT?


It's like all the 9's are suddenly wearing turbans and trying to get on a plane with you, right? ARE YOU AFRAID OF YOUR CALCULATOR YET?

So suck on that, white people. And don't try to go back to using the Roman numerals or else you're going to have to start referencing an abacus and no one wants to see that.

Thanksgiving

"I fucking hate this holiday."


Only white people would pretend that in a history full of exploitation, horror, and murder that something like Thanksgiving represents our relationship with American Indians.


Thanksgiving should really be called "HAPPY SMALLPOX BLANKETS DAY, NATIVE AMERICANS. HOPE YOU LIKE THE DESERT BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE WE'RE SENDING YOU. GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR FUTURE CASINOS."

Also, our romanticizing of the pilgrims is epically fucked. These people found England not conservative enough. England. The place that invented Colin Firth and all the other tight-lipped British types. The place that couldn't cry until Princess Di died. That's hundreds of years of repression. AND THE PILGRIMS THOUGHT IT WASN'T ENOUGH.


Anyway, white people need to stop pretending that Thanksgiving was a happy day and dressing our children up in epically fucked representations of American Indians. Let's all just eat until we puke and hang out with people we don't really like. That's what Thanksgiving is really about.

Case In Point: Hitler

You know who was one white son of a bitch?


Hitler.



Check out that pale motherfucker. He's like if snow and paper decided to move to Germany and have a psycho-ass baby together.


Dammit, Hitler. You have made growing up white with German ancestry very difficult and conflicting. Plus there was that whole "ripping Europe apart and murdering millions of people" thing.


God. And all because you can't paint a fucking still life. How about you get a life, Hitler. Oh wait, you can't. Because you lit yourself on fire.


Asshole.

We Like To Pretend Jesus Was White

Your ignorance makes Jesus cry. Good job, whitey.


The only time Jesus should ever be white is when he's made of marble. Or white chocolate. Delicious white chocolate.*




*Note: the author does not endorse eating Jesus